Parenting Confessions

A couple months ago, a friend of mine posted some parenting confessions on Facebook. She is an awesomesauce, kicka$$, single mom and person in general. I hold her in the highest regard, but it was refreshing to see her admit her weaknesses. It actually makes me admire her more.

Audrey is less than 2 months away from turning 3, and we're already in the 3 year old stage. When people told me 3 was harder than 2, I didn't believe them. Now, I'm a believer. Let's just say that for me this is far from the most enjoyable age we've experienced as of yet. After a difficult few days, I'm feeling like some parenting confessions might cleanse my soul a little bit. So here goes!

Parenting confessions:

• I let my daughter watch way more television than I ever thought I would. 
• I am the perfect reflection of calm, cool and collective parenting when we are out in public; however, when we're home and the defiance and screaming seems to never cease no matter what I do or say, I yell. Sometimes I yell a lot. 
• I am much less patient than I ever thought I was. 
• I care too much about what other people think of me as a mom. Sometimes I find myself judging myself like someone else might be judging me, even if they aren't saying anything to me at all. 
• I cried the first day I left her at preschool, but I actually find it a relief to have a couple hours to myself when I drop her off now. 
• I temporarily hide books and movies we've read and watched 7 gazillion times because I think I will become certifiably insane if I have to endure them again. 
• I have laughed at how adorable my daughter is, even when she is in tears from the photo shoot I'm putting her through.
• I spend so much time planning activities and events and trying to make them perfect and memorable that I sometimes forget to let it all go and just have fun with her. She will remember and appreciate my words and hugs and doing things with her, more than the perfectly planned birthday party or the photo books I tell myself I'm doing for her.

Phew! That was cleansing! I will not let my weaknesses make me feel bad about myself though. I make my daughter's Halloween costumes from scratch and plan elaborate Pinterest inspired birthday parties. I photograph every moment possible. I cook wholesome, healthy homemade meals and snacks. I'm a stay-home-mom. These are my strengths, but I am not "Super Mom." I don't think I am and I don't try to be. She doesn't exist.

I don't judge you if you buy your child's Halloween costume at Walmart, throw together a birthday party last minute, choose to be in the moment instead of photographing it, order take-out every night or work 40 hours a week. {Are you judging yourself? I know I sure do.} I admire you. For the things that are your strengths, are my weaknesses. I admire your ability to let go of the illusion of perfection, to enjoy the moment and be spontaneous, your courage to entrust your child's care to someone else in order to pursue your dreams, your ability to read that book for the 8 gazillionth time!

We all have strengths and weaknesses. The sooner we admit them to ourselves, the sooner we will stop judging ourselves and others, and accept that different doesn't mean bad. I still have a journey ahead of me in that department I think. But today's confessions felt like a good start.

So...does anyone else out there care to cleanse their parenting soul and admit your weaknesses??

Laughing at yourself

Everyone is sick in our house. My husband has mono. Ugh! Taking care of someone with mono is exhausting, let me tell you! Between tending to him, and keeping Audrey away from him, and keeping everything sanitized, it just never ends. Audrey has a sinus infection, has been up almost all night the last 3 nights coughing, and isn't eating much because her belly hurts. And me...well I'm exhausted! And yesterday I started feeling a little under the weather myself. But I'm taking my fire cider everyday and Epsom salt baths and downing water to flush out my system like it is going out of style! And today I feel a little better.

But anyway, this post isn't really about us being sick. On Tuesday morning, I decided to boil Audrey's binky because of all the sickness in our house. Then it goes a little something like this:

Sterilizing last binky in the house.

Didn't hear the buzzer go off.

Forgot about it while reading to Audrey.

All water boiled out of the pan.

Binky melted to bottom of pan.

Whole house smelled like burnt plastic.

Audrey only uses her binky at nap time and bedtime, but when she's sick, she NEEDS it! We're going to get rid of the binky altogether very soon, so this was the last one left in the house. I knew I was in trouble. So, I told her the truth. I showed her the pan, told her Mommy made a mistake and melted it, and we threw it in the trash together. She gave me a big hug and said, "Don't be sad, Mommy. I forgive you." Then we laughed. She is sweet, but we would see later on how much she forgave me when it was time to sleep.

So this was it! We were going cold turkey no binky! Or so I thought. Nap time was non-existent, but I don't really think it was because of the binky. She is starting to not need a nap on some days anyway. Then came bedtime...

She was over-tired from not napping, not feeling well, and coughing like crazy as soon as she laid her head down. Cue the tantrum of your nightmares. " I! WANT! MY! BINKYYYYY!" There was no reasoning with her. Luckily, I found another binky in the diaper bag. She had bitten through it partially, so I really didn't want her using it and was planning on throwing it away, but I forgot. Thank God! As soon as she had it, she went right to sleep.

So finally, I'll get to my point. I could have had a meltdown about the disaster. I could have called myself a bad mom and criticized myself. At one point in my life, I probably would have. But you want to know what I did? I laughed! I told my daughter the truth and she forgave me. We laughed and I said to her, "Silly Mommy!" Too many of us are too hard on ourselves as parents. You want to do the best by your children, but sometimes the best thing is showing them that you make mistakes too. I honestly believe that laughing at things like this is the key to surviving motherhood with at least some of your sanity in tact!

And survive I will! At least until we actually do try to get rid of the binky...

I have a full time job, too.

I talk a lot about how much I love being a mom, about how it is a calling for me, about how in love with and in awe of my daughter I am. I know it is not like this for every mother out there. I know there are some moms out there that get annoyed by moms like me. That's okay. I know you can still love your child unconditionally and not be with them 24 hours a day like I am most of the time. Some moms don't have a choice. They can't afford not to go to work. I sympathize with those moms that want to stay home, but simply can't swing it. And I know that there are plenty of moms out there that have a passion or calling that is something other than being a mother. And for those mothers, they are doing a great service to their children by showing them that you are pursuing your dreams and providing for your family.

But let's be real for a second. I don't judge you for going to work, whether you go to work because your career is important to you or whether you can't afford not to. But there are some working moms out there that like to hate on stay-at-home moms like me. Some do it quietly to themselves or to a friend. And some post things like this openly on their blog or their Facebook wall:

Hmmm... And what do you think your daycare provider does while you're working? Do you think they're sitting on their behind relaxing with a refreshment and a good book or leisurely surfing the internet? Do you think they're cleaning their house and doing their own laundry and dishes? Or do you pay them to teach, nurture and watch over your child? How is what I'm doing different than that in the basics?

The tone of this ecard bothers me. Raising kids and running a house keeps you busy, too, hey? Well I'm, technically speaking, raising my kid 8-12 hours a day longer than you. While you are working outside of your home, I'm not sitting around doing nothing because I'm at home. I'm doing the same thing someone else is doing for your child while you're at work. So does that not count as me having a full time job? And running my house? You say you do that all before you go to work in the morning or after your kids go to sleep at night. I have news for you...so do I! The majority of my chores get done while my child is sleeping, not during the day while you're at your full time job.

Yes, I can throw a load of laundry in and fold it while she's playing. But you at least get 30 minutes to an hour to yourself for lunch. When or if Audrey naps, I'm lucky to get a quick shower and something to eat, but I'm usually picking up or setting up an afternoon project at the same time.

We're all moms. And we're all doing the best we can, the best way we know how. We need to give each other a break. I don't think what you do is easy. Do you think what I do is easy? My husband and I make huge sacrifices financially and personally so that I am able to stay at home. It is not easy for us financially at all. You say you can't afford to not work, but really what some of you mean is that you can't afford to not work and maintain the lifestyle you currently have. And that's fine if that lifestyle is important to you. But some of you probably could afford it, it just takes a great deal of sacrifice. Easy? I love my daughter unconditionally and I am grateful for the time I get to spend with her, but spending that much time with anyone, let alone a 2 year, is certainly not easy emotionally.

The moment when a woman becomes a mother is a beautiful catastrophe. We are forever changed. It is wonderful and amazing. But we all, in some way, mourn the loss of the person we were before our child joined us. We can never be exactly that person again. And that can be sad and frustrating, as well as fantastic and overwhelming and joyous. It is easy to take that frustration out on someone who is a mother in a different way than we are. But even though we are all mothers in different ways, and we all mourn the person we were to different degrees, this beautiful catastrophe connects us. And instead of criticizing each other for not doing what we would do, or for doing what we really want to do, but can't, we should support each other. We should remember that being a mother isn't easy for any of us. My struggles simply aren't the same struggles as yours.

*2/26/13 - A few of the sentences in this post have been very slightly edited only to help make my original intent more clear. This post was in response to the tone of the ecard above, implying that working moms are busier because they work outside of the home. I know that not all working moms feel this way. I don't in any way think that working moms or stay-at-home moms have it harder or easier than the other. I was simply saying that I'm not sitting around doing nothing because I'm at home and not in the workplace. The intent of this post was to express that ecards like this are not okay whether they are aimed at stay-at-home moms or aimed at working moms. Being a mom is hard no matter what, and we need to support each other despite our differences, not tear each other down.

I am not perfect.

I am not perfect.

I am not super mom.

I consider myself a pretty patient person.

I still lose my patience.

I sometimes yell at my daughter.

I try to feed my family healthy, wholesome foods.

My daughter stills know what a doughnut and a potato chip taste like.

I have good intentions to do projects and read and teach my daughter every day.

Some days we watch cartoons all day.

I know there is a plan for my life and that I shouldn't compare my life to others.

I still have moments where I feel jealous despite how happy I may want to be for them.

I thank God every day for the many blessings in my life.

I still feel like I got the shit end of the stick sometimes.

I sometimes let the "what-if"s overwhelm me.

I make homemade gifts for people, not because I am talented,

crafty, or really thoughtful, but because I can't afford not to.

On facebook, and sometimes on my blog, it looks like I'm 

Miss Suzy Sunshine and I have a perfect life.

I choose to put on a smile and not share all my dirty laundry.

That doesn't mean I don't have any.

I am not perfect.

I am not super mom.

But my faith allows me to grow and move forward every day.

If I pray and ask Him to take the jealous feelings from my mind and heart,

I wake up feeling better.

My faith allows me to put on a smile and move on.

I believe that faith is the difference, the reason I don't let myself wallow, 

or let the negatives consume me.

I am not perfect.

And that is okay.

My God loves me anyway.

My family loves me anyway.

My friends love me anyway.

It may look like it.

I may try to be.

But I am not perfect.

perspective

Our errands this morning ran into nap time and Audrey fell asleep before our last stop. So I took her out of the car seat and put her head on my shoulder thinking we'd only be a minute or two. She weighs just about 30 pounds now, so as I waited at the pharmacy, standing and holding her for 5...10...20 minutes, I started to get irritated. It shouldn't have been taking this long and she is heavy. I finally found a place to sit down and an older gentleman stopped right by us. He smiled at me and said, "She's beautiful. I wish I could still hold my kids while they slept." Then he just walked away. I smiled and looked at my little sleeping beauty. Thanks for the dose of perspective, mister.

The bond of motherhood

What is it about motherhood that makes us babble on and on about our pregnancies, parenting challenges and victories, and our sweet babies to anyone mom or mom-to-be we meet? We brag, we vent, and we share advice that we should really take ourselves. Oh, you don't? Well, maybe it's just me. But I feel like the bond of motherhood is so much stronger than any other bond of similarities.

To share in the news of a new pregnancy or birth, to know someone else has faced the same challenges with their child, this bond can be exciting and comforting. The advice of someone who has been there, the stress relief of talking to someone who understands, it can be helpful and therapeutic.


But this bond can also be frustrating, annoying and overwhelming if we're not careful. We have to remember, myself included, to be sensitive to one another, that none of us are perfect. We have to remember that every Mom, Dad, child and family situation is different. What worked for us, might not work for someone else. 


We need to support each other and offer encouragement. But we need to remind ourselves to only give advice when asked, and to listen as much as, if not more than, we speak. This is tough. As mothers, most of us are strongly emotionally connected to our children and our journey through motherhood. Our instinct is to share our experience on the subject at hand. But sometimes we need to take a step back. Sometimes, letting someone else talk or figure out the answer on their own, and simply listening and lending support along the way is the best. We all need to walk our own path.


Still, it's easy to ramble on, letting our words get ahead of us. Our experiences with our children bring out the strongest of our emotions - pure joy, sorrow, unconditional love, frustration, self-doubt, and pride. Strong emotions evoke passion and we speak passionately about what we know. And while that is helpful and does create this strong bond between us, it is also important to practice restraint at times.

Being a stay-at-home mom

Yesterday, I laid out a day in my life as a stay-at-home mom. I gave you the details, the facts. Every day is slightly different, but most go something like this. What I didn't say is how I like being a stay-at-home-mom.

So how do I feel now that I've been permanently home with Audrey for the last 10 months? I am most definitely grateful for the opportunity! I have been able to breastfeed without pumping. I have seen her first steps, heard her first words and experienced every new discovery with her. There are so many people that would love the opportunity to stay home with their children, but just can't. I try not to take this opportunity for granted. I know what a blessing it is. She is so smart and such a loving, sweet little girl. I know this is in part due to the quality time I have been able to spend with her, reading to her, playing with her, teaching her and loving her.

That doesn't mean it has been easy or that I am the perfect mom. There are days when I don't give her enough attention. There are days when I struggle to come up with new ideas to keep her entertained and teach her new things. Financially, living on one income has certainly been a sacrifice for us. Mentally, I could definitely use more adult interaction in my life.

But Audrey is growing up so incredibly fast. I know that I will never have the opportunity to relive this precious time with her, and I treasure it. I kiss her and cuddle her and tell her I love her many, many times a day. I let her help me fold the laundry and empty the dishwasher even though it takes twice as long as doing it myself. I help her stir the oatmeal as it is cooking on the stove. We sing and dance together, we tickle each other and laugh together. These are moments and memories that I will treasure always.

Do I miss working? Yes, sometimes. I loved my last job. I loved interacting with brides. I loved the opportunities I had to be creative. I loved being a part of what made a couple's wedding day so special. Will I ever return to the workplace? Most likely. When Audrey, and any other children we may have, start school, I'm sure I will go back to work. Doing what, I don't really know. I have a degree, but have never really developed a career. That used to bother me, but it doesn't any more. My family is my career. Somewhere in my heart I always knew it would be. And it is the perfect career for me. Because what I do best is take care of the people I love.

Being a stay-at-home mom is not for everyone. It is not an opportunity afforded to everyone. It is more exhausting and difficult than I imagined it would be, physically and emotionally. But it is also more wonderful and rewarding than I imagined. I think about other stay-at-home moms in a much different, more positive way. It has allowed me to form a beautiful bond with my daughter. It has been beneficial to her growth and development, as well as mine.

It is a blessing. Every single day. And I am grateful.

A day in the life...

I write a lot about Audrey, but I haven't been writing much about my experience being a mom, and more specifically a stay-at-home mom. It is definitely much more difficult and exhausting than I ever imagined, but it is also more rewarding.

So here it is! A day in the life of a stay-at-home mom:

2:30am-4:30am - Audrey has been waking up somewhere in this time frame lately and just not going back to sleep in her crib. If we take her in bed with us, she will fall right back to sleep, so that's what we've been doing. Don't judge us. We've tried everything and this gets us all the most restful night's sleep.

6am - Audrey tends to wake up about now. Since she's in our bed, I usually turn on cartoons and she'll sit there quietly and watch while Mommy rests a little longer.

7am - Around now Audrey starts to get a little antsy and we'll get up. She gets a clean diaper and we'll go downstairs. We have finally finished nursing (post to come soon!) so I'll get her a sippy cup of whole milk and she'll sit quietly and "read" books. That gives Mommy some time to check her email and google reader, then we play.

9am - Breakfast time! Audrey's breakfast is usually Greek yogurt and fruit, oatmeal and blueberries, toast, a scrambled egg with cheese, or some combination of those things.

After breakfast can be many things. I may put a load of laundry in or do some dishes. Audrey loves to help with both. I may put cartoons on for her. Sometimes she'll watch, but most of the time she'll play with her toys or books and just look up on occasion.

11am - Nap time for Audrey! Once she's down for her nap, I do a quick clean-up of the playroom. I used to be OCD about it and constantly clean up after her, but that got exhausting. Now it's just a quick pick-up at nap-time and a more thorough job at bedtime. Once that's done, this is the time I'll usually get my shower and eat something if I haven't already yet. Sometimes I try to do some things around the house that aren't so easy when she's awake. Other times, if I'm lucky, I have time to comment on some blogs, write a blog post myself, edit some photos, or work on a craft or sewing project.

1pm - Audrey usually wakes up from her nap. Sometimes it's only an hour and a half nap, others it's two and a half or three hours, but for the most part it's right around a two hour nap. If Daddy's home, we fight over who gets to go pick her up because she gives the BEST hugs when she first wakes up from her nap!

We let her pick out her outfit for the day out of her closet. Yes, we usually let her stay in her pajamas until after her nap. She's comfy. But she loves to pick out her own outfit. Then we'll go downstairs for lunch. Lunch is usually whole milk and leftovers from dinner the night before, or a grilled cheese, or a selection of fruits and vegetables that she can feed herself, or a combination of some of these things. She likes to feed herself most at lunchtime for some reason, so I try to give her foods that she can easily do so.

1:30pm-4pm - Playtime! In the afternoon, we usually go on some kind of outing. It may just be some errands I have to run. But, it has been an unseasonably mild winter here, with little snow, so we've been going on lots of walks in the stroller. In the fall we played out in the yard, and the one snowstorm we had we played in the snow. If it's really cold, we may just stay inside and read books together or have a tea party. Audrey LOVES to read books and I think we read every book on her bookshelf at least once a day. She also loves to sing songs, and play with her dolls, blocks or balls, or play hide-n-seek. Sometimes we attempt craft time, but she doesn't seem to really enjoy that yet.

4pm - We usually start thinking about/preparing dinner. Audrey loves to be in the kitchen! She always wants to help stir and see what's going on. If she's not interested in dinner prep, she'll go to her drawer and play with the plastic cups, utensils etc. we have in there for her.

5:30pm - This is usually dinner time. Early, I know. In the summer when my husband is in the midst of the season it may be later, but sometimes he'll just eat what we've had when he gets home if he works late that day. Again, Audrey "helps" with clean-up or plays with her kitchen stuff.

6:15pm-7pm - This is a quieter playtime. We read books, or play on the floor. Mommy and Daddy get lots of kisses and cuddles. We count fingers and toes, or point to eyes, ears and noses.

7pm - Tubby time! Audrey LOVES tubby time. We brush her teeth and wash up, then she splashes and plays with her toys. When she gets out, we dry off, put on lavender lotion and put on the pajamas she has picked out for the night. We head upstairs to her room and read a story together. Mommy gives hugs and kisses, then leaves while Daddy puts her down.

7:30pm - Audrey is sleeping. Mommy picks up the play room, and most nights I climb into bed. Hubby and I will watch TV together, or I'll read while he's watching some sport I'm not interested in. This is our time to unwind and chat and relax. Most nights we're usually sleeping by 10pm.

12:30am - Audrey will sometimes wake up about now, though she has been better lately. A quick cuddle of reassurance from Daddy and she'll go right back down in the crib.

And then we do it all over again the next day!

Some days I can't believe how much I accomplish and others I wonder how I could be so exhausted when it felt like I did nothing. But then I have to remember, I am a maid and personal chef. I am a teacher, kisser of boo-boos and the tickle monster. I am a friend and a lover. I am a cloth-diapering, baby-wearing, breast-feeding, proud mommy. I am an accountant and investor. I am a therapist and a photographer. I am a writer and recorder of memories. I am a shoulder to lean on. I am a party planner and travel agent. I do all this, and more, and I "work" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I don't get vacation or sick time.


This post turned out to be much longer than I expected with just the "facts," so stay tuned in the next few days for my reflections and thoughts on what being a stay-at-home mom is like for me.

team mommy

A friend asked me for some advice on getting her baby boy to sleep in his crib the other day and it got me thinking. As mommies, we need to be more supportive of one another. We need to ask for advice when we need it and give advice when asked. We need to remind each other with this advice that each and every child is different, and that what worked for us might not work for them. We need to encourage each other and reinforce that we are doing the best we can for that particular child.

We need not tear each other down or imply that we know better. We need not be close-minded to ideas that are unfamiliar to us.

We need to stick together. We need to do our research and share our knowledge. We need to encourage, uplift and support each other.

Too often I see Moms criticizing each other behind their backs. We are on the same team! We need to stick together. After all, it really does take a village to raise a child. We need each other!

Why new moms don't wear makeup...

It's not because we don't have time or because we're too tired...we just don't need it!

Our moisturizer is applied many times daily with
big, sloppy, baby drool kisses.

Our blush is applied by tiny, pinching fingers.

Lip gloss - not necessary! See number one again. Perfect sheen!

And if you've ever seen then look in a new mom's eyes when she
looks at her baby, you already know why
eye makeup is unnecessary.

I know I've been a horrible Mommy-Blogger. I just hope that means I'm being a SUPER mommy! I promise to try to write more than just a letter to Audrey once a month!

Being a mom is hard work

I know. Everyone tells you how hard it is to be a parent. They tell you and you may even listen, but you don't fully comprehend how hard it is until you experience it. You underestimate the exhaustion. You underestimate how much a newborn needs you. You underestimate how hard it is to do other things like throw laundry in the drier.

Breastfeeding is hard work. I used to silently judge those who gave up just because it was hard. I now understand why so many people give up on it. We are currently dealing with mastitis and thrush. We're not giving up, but it would be so easy to. I can understand. The exhaustion. The pain. All the medication. It's frustrating. Luckily, through it all, she's still nursing well. So I'm hanging in there for my little chunky cheeks.

Bathing her is hard work. There are so many cute rolls and folds to try to get in. While she's screaming and slippery. Then trying to dry her, while she's screaming. Not as easy as you think.

The constant diaper changes are hard. This diaper rash that we can't seem to get to go away. We've tried everything you can imagine. It's hard on your heart. You hate to see your little munchkin in pain. You hate that you can't make it better no matter what you try or how often you change her.

Sleeping is hard. You think a few 3 hour stretches is plenty. It's not. Especially when you're up for an hour in between those stretches.

Being remotely functioning before noon is hard work. With feeding and diaper changing and just trying to get the day going, I'm lucky if I've showered and gotten out of my pajamas by 1pm most days.

I look in those beautiful little eyes and I know it's all worth it, but that doesn't change the fact that it's hard. Really hard.

random ramblings

There's a few little things I've been wanting to blog about but keep forgetting, so this post is going to be a random ramblings post...

When I was in labor, the IV hurt worse than 90% of the contractions. They blew a vein in the top of my hand first and then ended up putting it in the side of my wrist - not fun! It pinched and bled while I was pulling my legs back to push.

Audrey had her 1 month well baby check-up on Monday. She is now 22 1/8 inches long and weighs 10 pounds, 1 ounce! The pediatrician seemed really pleased and said she's doing great.

Mama on the other hand...not so great. I have mastitis. Painful. Although since I've been on the antibiotic, it is getting better. But there's something else going on with my nipples (sorry if this is TMI) and they are red and swollen when she eats even though she is latching on correctly. Something I will be talking to my doctor about again at my postpartum appointment tomorrow.

Audrey is not liking the antibiotic I'm taking though. Since I started taking it, if she's not eating or sleeping, she's crying. The pediatrician assured me that it's perfectly safe for her, and that it's probably just upsetting her tummy. But the poor thing's eyes are all red from crying so much. :(

My little sister is 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow! We are so excited for her and her husband! And, of course, for our new niece or nephew! She had her first ultrasound this morning to see the baby and the heartbeat was 177. Audrey's new little cousin should be here around September 8th!

It's fun that my sister is pregnant and that I just experienced everything she's going through. She's been calling and emailing with questions and I'm glad I'm able to give her some advice. I'm praying that everything goes smoothly for her and I love that our babies will be so close in age.

We recently found out that a very close family friend has stage 4 ovarian cancer. She is a strong woman, but this will be a battle for her. Her diagnosis is weighing heavy on my heart, so if you could keep her in your prayers, I would be so thankful.

I have to go back to work March 2nd. I'm not happy about it. I love my job, but I just want to stay home with my baby girl. As a result, I've procrastinated finding daycare. I feel screwed at this point.

I'm sick of the snow. I love having all 4 seasons, but seriously, this winter has been crazy. There's no where to put all the snow! And this new mama has some serious cabin fever!

Okay, I'm sure there were a few other things, but that's all I can think of right now. I also have some serious Mommy Brain!

Motherhood so far...

Motherhood so far has been beyond anything I expected. I'm more tired than I expected to be, but functioning better than I expected. My husband is more supportive than I ever could have dreamed. He rocks her and gets up every time I feed her. He takes care of me and lets me sleep or nap even when he's just as exhausted. He loves our little girl something fierce and it melts my heart to watch them together!

Audrey is a great baby for the most part. She nurses every 3-4 hours at night and every 2-3 hours during the day. She hates having her diaper changed, which I think has a lot to do with the diaper rash we just can't get to go away. We're cloth diapering, changing her often and have tried A&D and Desitin. It doesn't seem to be getting any worse, but it's not getting any better either.

But today, what's most on my mind is the myth that you're instantly in love with your baby the second he or she is born. Let me preface this with the statement that I am not depressed - I have actually never been more content and at home with my role in this life. But I think it's an important issue to address because as new moms we have too many unrealistic expectations that we hold ourselves to. We are all different. Our babies are all different. Other moms should tell us this. We should encourage and support each other, not put on a happy, ideal facade.

For me, with my previous losses, I don't think I allowed myself to fully bond with Audrey while I was pregnant with her. Though the farther along I got, the more I relaxed I became, it was always in the back of my mind that I might lose her too. I think this is a factor in how I felt when she was born, but not the entire reason.

The moment Audrey was born and they put her on my stomach, I was relieved that she was here, that she was safe. Relief was the predominant emotion I felt, not love. I loved her, of course, but I wasn't in love with her. The love I did feel wasn't that overwhelming love that you hear parents talk about, that love I feel for her now. It was a surreal moment. For me, it was almost as if it didn't feel like she was mine (despite the 3 hours of pushing I had just endured!)

But you see, it's like any other relationship. You don't know this child yet and your child doesn't know you. It takes time to develop that relationship, to get to know one another, to bond. You wouldn't expect to instantly develop a friendship or fall in love with a stranger, and you shouldn't place that unrealistic expectation on yourself regarding your child.

The bond will form though. You will fall in love once it all sinks in. For me, it happened late at night while she was nursing. She looked up at me, wide awake and at that moment, looking into her eyes, I couldn't imagine loving anyone more. She was ours. She was the product of the love my husband and I share. I had the ability to nourish her. All the toys and "things" we were given for her weren't necessary. All she really needs is the milk I am able to provide for her and our love.

And that bond continues to grow and develop. She recognizes our voices. Looks for us when she hears us. Stops crying when one of us holds her and comforts her. She knows we will protect her and love her. And despite how surreal it all seems, she is ours. We are watching our new family develop. We are feeling our love for her grow. Feeling our love for each other grow and change.

For me, she was nursing when I really felt our connection. For you? You may be singing to him, or rocking her, or watching your significant other with him. Like everything else in this life, everyone's experience is different. There is no set time line. For you it may be a minute or an hour, for someone else it may be a week or a month.

Don't hold yourself to this unrealistic expectation that the feeling is instantaneous. It is the one thing I am grateful I was told before she was born. I can only imagine the guilt I might have felt or the depression that might have followed if I thought I didn't love my daughter enough, quickly enough.