Last night I was laying in bed, having trouble falling asleep (which seems to be the norm for me lately) and I started thinking about all the little things you might not know about me. For example:
Sometimes my husband falls asleep with his arms around me, and even though there's no way I could ever fall asleep like that, I lay perfectly still and barely breathe. I know as soon as I make the tiniest movement, he'll roll over, and there's no place I feel safer and more loved than in his arms.
...or how about the fact that:
I "write" much more eloquently in my head the first time the thoughts start to flow. As soon as I put a pencil to paper or start to type...
See what I mean? I can't even finish that sentence! But I think you get the idea. And I bet you didn't know that:
I've always felt 4-5 years older than my peers in terms of what I want in my life. I finally have a friend that is on the same page as me, and it's indescribably reassuring to be able to chat about what I want and how I'm feeling and have them truly understand.
...and I love the internet, but did you know:
I absolutely dread talking on the phone! I find it incredibly awkward. When I talk to my sister on the phone, I can barely find enough to say to talk for 5 minutes. But when we Skype, we can talk for half an hour.
I often dream about random people from my past and spend the next day wondering where they are, what they're doing now, and what my life might be like if things went differently and they were still a part of my life.
This actually wasn't on my list last night, but I happened to dream about a person from my past last night, so it was on my mind. I had a list of like 15 things going in my head, but that's all I can think of now. So, I hope you still learned something new about me.
How about you? Is there some little thing that I might not know about you from simply reading your blog?
Well, from my makeshift, potted garden anyway! Since today is my Saturday, I decided to tend to my somewhat neglected garden this morning, and this is what I collected after snipping off a few dead leaves...
Now I'm sitting here snacking on green beans that I let get slightly too big, but that are still DELICIOUS! And look at that tomato...it's calling my name and is just a BLT waiting to happen! :)
I can't remember a time when I didn't believe in God, Heaven and Hell. Not simply because that's what I was taught to believe, but because that has always been my faith. Despite this and despite having mourned the loss of close family and friends too many times in my short life already, I never really thought about death in terms of my own mortality.
Had I thought about it? Yes, of course. But those thoughts seemed to only skim the surface. I knew in my head that I should live life to the fullest, but I never really, truly felt it in my heart. So, it feels strange that within the last six months, I've had a couple moments where I've truly considered, in depth, the reality of my own mortality. Our life here on Earth will not last forever. We don't know if we'll live another 50 years or if we'll die tomorrow. We do not get a second chance to live this exact moment that we are in. The fear was literally gripping at my heart.
At first I couldn't figure out why I was thinking so deeply about this. I still believed in God and an afterlife, so why was the reality of dying one day making me anxious and scared when I thought about it? I knew that living my life fearing death was no way to live. Was I subconsciously questioning what I'd believed my whole life? I didn't think so. I still believe that there is an even better life waiting for us at the end of this life. But my scientific, analytical brain kept saying to me, "What if this is it? What if there's nothing else?"
To try and battle these thoughts, I tried to really put some more thought into why these feeling were popping up on me. My conclusion: I honestly think the fear is triggered by happiness. (Stay with me here, I swear I'm not crazy!) The times when these feelings of fear rise up in my thoughts also happen to be the times when I have found that I am the most at peace with who I am, and with my life - the times when I am the happiest.
It's hard for me to describe how much more I love my husband now than I did a year ago, never mind 8 years ago. The thought of leaving him or living without him, whether it be tomorrow or 50 years from now, is simply unbearable to me. It doesn't matter that I believe that we will someday be together in Heaven, the love and connection I feel towards him is that overwhelming.
So what is bringing up these feelings for me again now? Please don't laugh. But I honestly think it's a combination of working again and the Twilight books. Yes, I am completely aware that these books are works of fiction and that my husband and I cannot become vampires and live here together for eternity. But the need Bella feels for Edward, the protectiveness Edward feels towards Bella, and the love they share, reminds me so much of the relationship my husband and I share. And now that I'm working again, I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep a balance of that happiness I found when I was laid off in my life. I don't want to waste another moment of this life I've been given and it's scary to think that if I don't figure that balance out I might be doing just that.
I'm sorry for such a morbid post. Reading it back now, I don't think I even did a very good job of writing what I feel. But I feel better having written it, so I guess it was worth it. It's funny because I don't constantly feel this way, it just pops up in my mind every so often. So hopefully now that I've thought it out and written about, it won't get to me as often.
Hope you all have a fabulous weekend and that I didn't get you all down talking about death! :)
When we took the trip to our hometown a couple weeks ago to celebrate the marriage of our good friends, we also took advantage of some family time! The day after the wedding, we spent the gorgeous, sunny afternoon sitting in the grass, chatting with my hubby's sister and brother, his brother's wife and our adorable little niece!
I love being home. Everything is so beautiful, quiet and peaceful. You can just sit in the grass and enjoy the beauty and company surrounding you. There's no place in the world that makes me feel this way, and we don't get to see our niece very often, so I made sure to snap some photos!
My brother-in-law picking strawberries in the garden.
My sister-in-laws sandals.
Our beautiful niece, Athena!
Athena exploring on the grass.
My sister-in-law is simply stunning!
Little cutie! :)
Bare feet in the grass...the only thing better is
having your toes in the sand!
That's right, we watched Twilight the movie this afternoon and I'm devastatingly disappointed! It's like the writers and producers of the movie never even read the book, and got bits and pieces second hand!
This is exactly why I haven't read the Harry Potter books yet! I will read them once I've seen all the movies. You can like both when you go from less information to more information. But when you go from the whole shebang to nothing, it's such a disappoint.
What gets me even more is that my hubby actually liked the movie! Which tells me that I would have liked it too if I hadn't read the books yet.
I may just have to go read the book again to get the horrible movie out of my mind and fall back in love with Edward...
I love Costco just about as much as I love alliteration! And, no, not just for the samples! (But let's be honest here...if you go at the right time, the samples are basically a free meal!)
Anyway, there are certain things I always get at Costco because they're cheaper:
shampoo and conditioner
my hubby's razor refills
Not only are they cheaper to buy in bulk there, but they are things I can stick in the freezer or that are nonperishable so the fact that they are in bulk is ok for just the two of us.
Other things I stay away from because I know I can get them cheaper at the grocery store, like cereal for example. And since it's just the two of us, I tend not to buy produce there because it just goes bad before we can eat it all.
So anyway, I went to Costco the other day and noticed something that I've never bought there before that is significantly cheaper than the grocery store...MILK! Holy cow! ;) I usually pay $3.50 for a half gallon at the grocery store and it was $2.05 for a whole gallon at Costco!!
$2 for a gallon of milk! Unbelievable!! I usually only need to go to Costco once every one or two months, but since it's just 5 minutes away, I may go to just get milk!
Did you enjoy my teaser post yesterday?? Today I'm sharing photos from the actual wedding ceremony. I love this couple so much and I felt so blessed that we could be there and witness them committing their lives to each other. True love is such a beautiful thing.
Here comes the bride!
You may now kiss the bride!
Stunning, isn't she?!
My BFF and her love
Greeting their guests
The bride's sisters
The happy newlyweds!
Heading to the reception...
And I'll get the party started back here tomorrow... :)
We all love wedding photos, don't we?! If I'm being completely honest, I was a little disappointed with my photos. It's hard for me to take really great photos as a guest. I try to stay out of the way of the photographer actually getting paid to shoot the wedding and not affect their photos in anyway, but that affects my photos.
I did get a few good shots though (most of which were taken when their paid photographer wasn't around) so you'll see a few of my favorites. I'm not going to share them all at once, so enjoy today's few and come on back to see some more tomorrow!
The bride getting her hair done!
The Maid of Honor - one of the bride's sisters
Adding the veil!
The groom looking at the Best Man's watch before the ceremony!
Is that enough of a teaser for you?? Tomorrow I'll post photos from the ceremony, so stop back and check them out!