Thursday, July 23, 2009

Mortality

I can't remember a time when I didn't believe in God, Heaven and Hell. Not simply because that's what I was taught to believe, but because that has always been my faith. Despite this and despite having mourned the loss of close family and friends too many times in my short life already, I never really thought about death in terms of my own mortality.

Had I thought about it? Yes, of course. But those thoughts seemed to only skim the surface. I knew in my head that I should live life to the fullest, but I never really, truly felt it in my heart. So, it feels strange that within the last six months, I've had a couple moments where I've truly considered, in depth, the reality of my own mortality. Our life here on Earth will not last forever. We don't know if we'll live another 50 years or if we'll die tomorrow. We do not get a second chance to live this exact moment that we are in. The fear was literally gripping at my heart.

At first I couldn't figure out why I was thinking so deeply about this. I still believed in God and an afterlife, so why was the reality of dying one day making me anxious and scared when I thought about it? I knew that living my life fearing death was no way to live. Was I subconsciously questioning what I'd believed my whole life? I didn't think so. I still believe that there is an even better life waiting for us at the end of this life. But my scientific, analytical brain kept saying to me, "What if this is it? What if there's nothing else?"

To try and battle these thoughts, I tried to really put some more thought into why these feeling were popping up on me. My conclusion: I honestly think the fear is triggered by happiness. (Stay with me here, I swear I'm not crazy!) The times when these feelings of fear rise up in my thoughts also happen to be the times when I have found that I am the most at peace with who I am, and with my life - the times when I am the happiest.

It's hard for me to describe how much more I love my husband now than I did a year ago, never mind 8 years ago. The thought of leaving him or living without him, whether it be tomorrow or 50 years from now, is simply unbearable to me. It doesn't matter that I believe that we will someday be together in Heaven, the love and connection I feel towards him is that overwhelming.

So what is bringing up these feelings for me again now? Please don't laugh. But I honestly think it's a combination of working again and the Twilight books. Yes, I am completely aware that these books are works of fiction and that my husband and I cannot become vampires and live here together for eternity. But the need Bella feels for Edward, the protectiveness Edward feels towards Bella, and the love they share, reminds me so much of the relationship my husband and I share. And now that I'm working again, I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep a balance of that happiness I found when I was laid off in my life. I don't want to waste another moment of this life I've been given and it's scary to think that if I don't figure that balance out I might be doing just that.

I'm sorry for such a morbid post. Reading it back now, I don't think I even did a very good job of writing what I feel. But I feel better having written it, so I guess it was worth it. It's funny because I don't constantly feel this way, it just pops up in my mind every so often. So hopefully now that I've thought it out and written about, it won't get to me as often.

Hope you all have a fabulous weekend and that I didn't get you all down talking about death! :)

5 comments :

Sonya said...

Wow you are right you did have deep stuff on your mind!

Thanks for sharing this though.

I know all too well how short life is. My oldest brother passed away almost 6 years ago. We are approaching the anniversary (on July 28) and I cannot tell you how much that I miss him. Everyday I think about him, think what he would be like now if he was still here, think how much that he would love playing with his children and with Lauren. I know where he is and while some days that gives me comfort, other days it does not. It is not for me to question God's will but why did he have to die so young and leave behind a wife and kids. My life was forever changed that day and his death has left an impact on my family that will forever be a part of who all of us are. I sometimes wonder when my time will come. What would Lauren and Brian do with out me. What would I do if Brian went first. What if God chose to take Lauren from me. I hate to think of those things but sometimes they do cross my mind.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

That was not creepy at all! Very true in fact. I wish more people took the opportunity to remember that they are lucky for each moment!

Angie said...

I had a near death experience when I was 19, and ever since then I really try to live life to the fullest. I mean we only get one life you know?

GodseySix said...

I've thought along those lines before. Very scary almost. And I just yesterday bought the first Twilight book. Curious to see what all the fuss is about. :)

little miss spy said...

I think you're on the right track to balance since you're aware how important it is to you. I know what you mean about the twilight books too, I couldn't get enough hugs from the people I loved while I was reading them. I feel that way most of the time, but while reading the books my heart almost ached.